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Fishing Jokes

A couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to
fish!"

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Bass Boat...
A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!"

*********************************************************

Town Sheriff, You're not allowed to fish here!
Fisherman: I'm not. I'm just teaching my worm how to swim.

*********************************************************

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

*********************************************************

Letter to a men's helpline ...

Hi, guys ,

I really need your advice on a serious problem :

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she "goes out with the girls" a lot. I try to stay awake
to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her
blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them
on .

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a
hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket . Is that
something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

*********************************************************

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when
he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny.
"How could he, with just two worms."

*********************************************************

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if
anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad
told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very
impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it
was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he
didn't have enough bait for both of us."

*********************************************************

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went fishing.

*********************************************************

Marriage Counseling:

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

*********************************************************************************

A fisherman finds a bottle floating by, opens it and a genie pops out willing to grant him ONE wish. The fisherman asks for a highway from California to Japan. The genie rejects this wish based on cost. The fisherman says well, how about giving me a book on how to understand women. The genie replies...2 lanes or 4?

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A fisherman stopped at a town and asked; “What is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for awhile. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the fisherman. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.

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Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"
**********************************************************************************

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as
Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear &
his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch
fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You bastards are my kind of people!"

******************************************************************************

Two guys had an argument and decided a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The guy who caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the argument.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, the first guy returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, the other returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day the first guy came in with 20 fish and the other came in again with none.

That evening, buddies of the guy who wasn't getting any fish got together secretly and decided to spy on the guy catching fish and see if he was cheating. They couldn't believe what they saw and told their fishless friend..."You're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

*************************************************

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.

He began his day with an 8 Lb bass on the
first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he ' d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, ' You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you ' re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It ' s just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever! '

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, ' I'm just messin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch? '

***********************************************

You might be a fisherman if...

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone.

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Two guys are quietly sitting in a boat, fishing and sucking down beer when suddenly one says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over two months."

The other guys sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

********************************************************

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish ."

*************************************************
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

*************************************************

Two fishing buddies are sittin' in a boat out on
their favorite lake, fishing and suckin' down beer
when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going
to divorce my wife - she ain't spoken to me in over
6 months."

Earl takes a swig of his beer and says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to
find."

*************************************************

Married too long?

As we age, our priorities change ..

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing......

*********************************************

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm a fisherman," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out fishing up and down the river."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old fisherman. "In fact he fished with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . he's a fisherman too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.

How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old fisherman . .

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went fishing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

*******************************************

A West Virginian was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.
The West Virginian looked at the game warden for a moment and then said," It's the truth Mr.Go-vernment man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The West Virginian poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the West Virginian.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The West Virginian said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the West Virginian.
The Moral: West Virginians may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they aren't as dumb as most government employees.

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http://www.amishdonkey.com/singing-bass.php

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course
instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district? instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

**********************************************

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

******************************************************************
A man and a friend are fishing one day. One of the guys is about to cast when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the lake. He stops in mid-cast, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." ******************************************************************

 

A dinner conversation gone wrong...


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you go fishing with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my fishing rods?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence--
HUSBAND" "oooops"

***********************************************************

Richard and Tommy go on a fishing trip.  They rent all the equipment - the reels,
the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. 
I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.  The same thing happens
on the second day, and on the third day.  It goes on like this until finally, on the last
day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.  Richard turns to Tommy and says,
"Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
Tommy says, "Wow!  Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" 

*************************************************************

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck
up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed and retired from work, they decided to go
fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing
boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the
man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the
best sex that he'd had in years.They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to
him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again
the next day.

She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they
came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river
when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad
passionate love to me. Now, today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the
choices were "make out or drown?."

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10 Clues That You've Chosen The Wrong Fishing Guide

1. He's got the open engine manual sitting on the console next to the controls.
2. He screams "Yeehaa," as he turns the boat away from the dock and pushes the throttle forward.
3. He thinks it's an asset that he can drive so fast that he gets the boat completely out of the water.
4. It takes him two hours and twenty-five minutes to reach your fishing destination on a five hour charter.
5. He can't stop laughing when he realizes that his brother the Sheriff gave you a speeding ticket on your way to his boat, and says nothing about getting the ticket cancelled.
6. He casually tells you that on days he can't get a charter he's a delivery driver for Pizza Hut.
7. He goes on for hours about how boats are safer than cars, but only because there are less vehicles directly next to one to hit. He runs aground three times during this oration.
8. He goes on for hours about his alien abduction experiences, with much detail given to the tests they supposedly performed on him.
9. The other fishing guides hold up protective religious icons as he passes by.
10. At the end of the day's catchless fishing, he begs you to allow him to use your name as a reference, because none of his other 110 charters would.
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Why fishing is better than making love
* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good
- If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
- And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
- In loving you lie about the one you caught.
* You can catch and release a fish. You don't have to lie, and promise
to still be friends after you let it go.
* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching
fish.
* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
- If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie
minimum.
* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
*******************************************************************************************
Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:
Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
Boats don't have parents.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Boat with your friends.
If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.
If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.
If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.
You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.
If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
Boats don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

*******************************************************************************************
There's this blonde out fishing. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

******************************************************
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.
The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back."
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"
The second blonde replied "Marking the spot."
"Don't be stupid" the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"
*******************************************************************************************
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your
fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line."Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And
with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
*******************************************************************************************
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the
election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"

He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"

*******************************************************************************************

NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go fishing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of fishing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the fishing weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our fishing holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

******************************************************************************
There's a guy who is a fishing fanatic. Every Saturday morning he plans to get to the ramp early. He gets up early and eager, fishes all day long..... sunrise to sunset.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his rods out of the garage and goes to his car to drive to the river. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his rods back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"
*****************************************************************

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

******************************************************************

A Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a
big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for
a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box.

******************************************************************

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation . . .
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

******************************************************************

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.

"That's true," replied the woman, "But you have all the equipment."

******************************************************************************

Fishing Is Better Than Sex...

** You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

** It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in awhile.

** The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

** If your partner takes pictures or video tapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

** Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.

** It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

** When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

** If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

** Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

** When dealing with a Fishing pro, your never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

** You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you, without getting sued for harassment.

** There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

** If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

** Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

** Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

** Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
************************************************************************
A young guy from Louisiana moves to California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a sales man back home in Louisiana."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make
today?" The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says , "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast. So I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him that Skeeter Bass Boat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that F-250 Ford 4x4."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and
I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

*********************************************************
Fellow goes ice fishing. After drilling several holes and baiting his tip
ups he patiently waits for some action. A young lad of about twelve shows
up and chips himself a hole not too far from our hero. The kid sets his tip
up and barely has time to sit down when he gets a flag that results in a
nice catch. This goes on for several hours with the kid catching fish and
our boy not getting a single strike. Finally our guy sucks down his pride
and goes over and asks the tyke what his secret is. "Roo rav roo reep ra
rrms rm" Not understanding him the guy asks the kid again, to which he gets
the same reply; "Roo rav roo reep ra rrms rm"
"Sorry, I still didn't get that". The kid then opens his mouth and spits a
huge wad of nightcrawlers into his hand. "You have to keep your worms
warm".

*********************************************************


A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed,but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is 20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50

Have fun, and I would enjoy hearing from you if you have other fishing jokes for this page. If you have questions or comments, e-mail info@nationalbass.com. For more information, check out www.nationalbass.com. I can't fish all of the river all of the time, so if you have some information to share, let me know.

Captain Steve Chaconas


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